


but I can’t leave it alone

by essentialflowers



Category: Dead To Me (TV)
Genre: Angst, Canon, F/F, Gen, Judy/ Michelle, Loss, dead to me - Freeform
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-05-29
Updated: 2020-05-29
Packaged: 2021-03-02 23:53:52
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 934
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24435433
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/essentialflowers/pseuds/essentialflowers
Summary: Canon compliant to 2x08Judy visits Michelle’s apartment to drop off brownies for her mom, and she runs into someone she was hoping to avoid.A conversation between Judy and Perez. Alludes to Judy x Michelle.
Relationships: Michelle Gutierrez/Judy Hale
Comments: 7
Kudos: 35





	but I can’t leave it alone

**Author's Note:**

> Dead to Me is an amazing show and Judy Hale is an amazing character. I feel like she’d totally bake brownies and then deliver them to Michelle’s house to show she cares, but also run into Perez because her luck is shit. This is how I think it would play out. Sort of angsty but mostly awkward fluff because Judy is the most adorable human

She doesn’t think it’s a good idea. Jen specifically told her it wasn’t a good idea. But she already made the brownies, so why should they go to waste?

Her gift basket hangs limp at her side while she waits, impatient and buzzing, in the elevator. She hit the button seventeen times while kind of hoping it just gets stuck. But finally, the door opens. She closes her eyes for a moment, and in her head she can see Michelle’s eyes. They’re dark and brooding but behind them there’s affection. Well, there _was_ affection. Now there’s probably just confusion and, if Judy’s being honest, disgust.

She didn’t wash the shirt that Michelle gave her to sleep in that night they spent together. She should, but she’s avoided taking it out of her hamper in fear that the shirt would be the last thing of hers that will ever touch her body again. She’s wearing it now, bathing in the comfort it brings her.

She swore she’d stay away, but her mother is still in the hospital, and Judy knows how it feels to feel alone and empty without a mother. The hole that stays there forever. In her experience, brownies always help fill it. So she whipped up a batch and wrote a friendly but distant card to both Judy and Perez. She knows Perez is hurting too. Plus, she doesn’t blame her for wanting to protect the most wonderful human being in the world.

When she rounds the corner, the thoughts in her brain that tells her this is a bad idea only worsen when she sees who is standing in front of the apartment door, typing furiously into her phone.

“What the hell are you doing here?” Perez asks, shooting her head up and shoving her phone back into her pocket. Judy can’t tell if she’s mad or just surprised, but she instantly regrets ever showing up at all. Of course this is stupid and will only add to the idea that she’s a stalker who doesn’t understand boundaries. It all might be true, but it still makes Judy’s heart shrink inside her chest.

“I, uh, I made brownies,” she says lamely.

Perez scoffs and eyes her up and down, probably checking to see if she’s carrying a baseball bat. “Brownies?”

“Yeah! For, um, for you and Michelle. There’s also a card. And a few Hershey kisses.”

She holds out the basket, trying to keep her arms from shaking. After a few moments of uncomfortable silence, Perez grabs it.

“Thanks,” she says, her voice hard and flat.

Judy wants to be swallowed by the hole she’s burning into the carpet with her eyes, but she speaks even though she knows Perez just wants her gone, because this might be her only chance to explain herself.

“I know I’m not supposed to be in your lives anymore, and I know this might be overstepping every boundary in the book, but... I want to show that I care,” Judy squeaks out. “For Michelle and her mom. And, also, um, for you.”

“For me?”

Perez isn’t glaring at her anymore- it’s more like studying. Still, the detective’s sharp gaze cuts deep into Judy’s body and it makes her feel small. She wrings her hands together as her cheeks burn.

“You don’t like me, and I’m not so crazy about you either,” she rushes out. “But I know what it’s like to not have a family. I’ve got no one but Jen and her kids, and if anything happened to them, I’d go crazy. They’re my family. So I get why you’re so protective of Michelle. She’s your family now.”

She feels good, now that she got all of that out, but she also feels stupid and childish. She can feel a sheen layer of sweat gather on her forehead. As for Perez, she just stands with her hands crossed over her chest, her eyebrows furrowed.

“You know that I can’t even begin to understand you, right?” she asks. It makes Judy laugh- a loud, unexpected sound that reverberates through the hallway.

“Yeah, most people don’t. But, Michelle does- uh, shit- did.” She snaps her eyes shut, refusing to even think about the way Michelle made her feel. It’s all in the past-tense now. She liked her. She fucked her and didn’t ask for anything in return. She understood her. 

She turns her face when she feels the drip of a few tears, refusing to let Perez see her cry. Again. 

“I’m gonna go,” she says. “I’m sorry about your mom. You can throw those brownies away, if you want. Michelle doesn’t have to know I was here. It was stupid I showed up at all.” 

Before she turns to leave, she feels the disconnect between herself and the detective break, only for a moment. She sees the look on Perez’s face- something in between sadness and a shared grief that threatens to bury them both alive. 

Perez doesn’t stop her as she steps into the elevator, she just stands in the same spot and watches the doors close. 

.......

It isn’t until later, when Judy gets a text from the number she deleted from her contacts, that she can finally breathe. 

_ It’s Michelle. Thank you for the brownies, and for keeping my mom in your thoughts. I really appreciate it.  _

For some reason she can’t understand, Judy adds the number back into her phone. For future reference, maybe. It lives in her contacts like an unanswered prayer- waiting, breathing, silent. But one day, she hopes, she’ll use it again. For now, she’ll just keep it safe. 


End file.
